Just a forewarning...I don't play that many video games, especially ones with traditional villains. So be wary, this list sucks... 10. The Drums on Expert - Rock Band 1 and 2 They are impossible, can anyone in the world really accomplish any songs on the drums on Expert? Especially without turning their hands into one big blister? 9. Boo - Super Mario World I'd like to think this villain got it's name from the way to beat it...peek-a-boo rather than the traditional sound a ghost makes. Does any ghost make the sound boo anyways? Aren't most ghosts silent? And if you do hear a ghost speak, doesn't that mean your crazy?
8. The Pink Ghost - Pacman Uhh, I hated the pink ghost. The red, orange, and yellow ones were fine, but that pink one was something else. The way it stared at you, it was just creepy.
7. Dr. Robotnik - Sonic the Hedgehog Did anyone else used to watch the Sonic morning cartoon? I did, and I regret it. Sonic and his companion Tails, were two cool cats, but Dr. Robotnik has to be the lamest villain ever. His lameness earns him a spot on this list.
6. Donkey Kong - Donkey Kong/Donkey Kong Jr. The joint arcade game is where it's at, the combination of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. Too bad it is not officially recognized as a legitimate machine to set DK records on. =( 5. Death - Paper Boy Is there really any better villain than Death? I mean everyone fears Death. This villain gets bonus points for looking exactly like Death from South Park.
4. Bowser - Mario 64 I really cannot distinguish any of the Mario games other than the first one and Mario 64. I remember Bowser looking rather cool from Mario 64. But even cooler from the Super Mario Bros. movie. Ahh, Dennis Hopper needs to reprise this role.
3. The Dallas Cowboys - Sega Madden-Madden 09 The Dallas Cowboys suck. Plus they have a player on their team named Pacman.
2. The Nazis - Wolfenstein 3D Ugh, Nazis are evil mofos. There will never be a worse group of people in this world, that could be so universally hated to not only be the number two villain in all video games but also be the... 1. The Nazis - Call of Duty 4 The number 1 video game villain of all time too. That is how evil Nazis are.
Most of my list comes from Nintendo games, since those are the systems I tend to own.
10. Francis: Super Paper Mario Super Paper Mario is filled with fun characters (although they do tend to go on talking for too long). Francis is the funniest one I've encountered so far. He is an obsessive collector, especially of items relating to the Mushroom Kingdom version of Battlestar Galactica. Francis is so nerdy that he has to turn the game into an RPG so that he is more comfortable talking to Peach. Francis flips out when asked a question that isn't one of the game's options, and the team of Mario, Peach, and Bowser must fight him. The fight itself isn't the best, but everything leading up to it is gold. The funniest moment is definitely when Francis is scrolling through his options and he hovers on "Smooch" for a few seconds before choosing to "Look' at the "Hot Babe.'
9. Helicopter: Call of Duty 4 There is nothing more terrifying than the thumping sounds of an enemy helicopter in Call of Duty 4. These bastards pack powerful guns, always know where you are, and are hard to shoot down. Josh, Brett, and Kevin can attest to the fact that I hated these things so much I would focus on killing them rather than other players.
8. Insanity: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem This game starts out in 26 B.C. as the Roman soldier Pious Augustus is corrupted by an Ancient God. In the year 2000 A.D., Alexandra Roivas finds an ancient book in her grandfather's house that tells Augustus' story as well as those in other time periods. You get to play as each multiple characters, in different time periods, as Alexandra reads about their fight to stop three gods from taking over the universe. As the player encounters bad guys, their sanity meter drops; this causes various tricks on the mind: the volume meter may begin to go down, it may appear as if your save data is being erased, bugs show up on the screen, your character explodes, monsters appear out of nowhere, and many others.
There don't seem to be any good videos of insanity effects, so here is a fan-made trailer I found:
7. Las Plagas: Resident Evil 4 These baddies start out as typical zombie-like creatures, albeit slighlty more human. These guys reach top ten status when headshots no longer drop them and instead shoot giant spiked tentacles out of their necks. From then on, headshots become a calculated risk; they could drop the zombie in one shot, but chances are you will just have to deal with a horrible tentacle of death.
6. Majora: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask Majora is a mask that possesses its wearer and gives them the power to do evil. In this game, the mask takes over the innocent Skull Kid and forces him crash the moon into the world of Termina. At the end of the game, Link finds the mask embodied in the form of a child who is ostracized and lashing out on the world.
5. Metroid: Metroid Series Metroids belong to the tiny, hard-to-shoot category of villains also populated by dogs, those crab things in Half-Life, and the Flood. Although these guys aren't too dangerous in the Metroid Prime series, their shriek still sends chills down my spine. I always hated encountering these baddies, even though I often dispatched them with ease.
4. Donkey Kong: Donkey Kong He may be a good guy now, but DK got his start by kidnapping Mario's girlfriend and carrying her up a construction site. Donkey Kong is one of videogames greatest villains mostly because he is part of the difficult elevator level. I hate those springs!
3. Bowser: Mario series Bowser shows up as the main villain in most Mario games, despite having been constantly defeated over the last twenty years. His motives are usually a bit vague, but it's excusable because who doesn't like beating the crap out of this guy? One of the more exciting battles with Bowser occurs in Super Mario Galaxy:
2. 12 year olds: Any online game (especially Halo) These squeaky-voiced bastards are whiny, selfish, racist, and homophobic. They will berate you before every match, and drop out if they begin to lose the game. I've had some on my own team who killed me because they wanted the Warthog I was in! Their worst offense is always vetoing the first choice of game, regardless of what it is. When I'm excited for a game of Slayer, they inevitably veto it and we play Oddball or something equally horrible. It's the worst.
1. Ganon/Ganondorf: Zelda series Some of the best boss battles of all time have been against Ganon. Endowed with the Triforce of Power, Ganon tries to take over the world by capturing the Triforce of Wisdom and the Triforce of Courage from their holders Zelda and Link. One of the coolest fights is in Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker: Link and Zelda must work together to defeat Ganondorf as Ancient Hyrule floods around them.
10. Zombies Video Game: Dead Rising Explanation: Zombies are a pain in the ass. You know it, I know it. Dead Rising was a whole game full of zombies. There were tons of them. At points I couldn't even walk, because the whole mall was so densely packed with zombies trying to eat me. No worries though, as my trusty sword made short work of them. Best Villain Moment: There is a bit in Dead Rising where the mastermind behind putting the zombies there has planted bombs under the mall. So I had to race around under the mall disarming them. However, there are so many god damn zombies under the mall, that my car gets damaged from running so many of them over. Inevitably, I have to proceed on foot and get swarmed and killed. Those bastards.
9. Chain Chomp Video Game: Mario Kart Wii Explanation: Although Chain Chomp is featured in many Mario games, what makes him a good villain is his performance in Mario Kart Wii. For some reason, no matter how good I got at avoiding other dangers on the road, he was always the variable. He was always able to surprise me, and send me from first place to last. So, while he isn't as cunning as the others on this list, his pure ability to frustrate my goals makes him a top villain. Best Villain Moment: Not technically in a game, but still...
8. Nazis Video Game: Every World War 2 game ever Explanation: The Nazis, along with Bowser, are another classic villain. They don't really require much of an explanation. We are all quite familiar with the exploits of the Third Reich. Best Villain Moment: There are so many Nazi moments in video games, that it was tough to come up with just one moment. The one that popped into my head takes place in Call of Duty 2. Essentially, you are about to take out some sort of key Nazi target, and they start bombing the hell out of you. So you have to avoid getting bombed to death and sitll run around to stop those bastards. Tough stuff.
7. Ganondorf Video Game: Zelda Explanation: Ganondorf, AKA The Great King of Evil, makes an appearance in most Zelda games. His goal is to control the entire tri-force, thus making him pretty much undefeatable. But Link has other plans. Best Villain Moment: Despite the ease with which this person beats Ganondorf, I recall this fight taking me FOREVER as a kid.
6. Dogs Video Game:Paper Boy, Call of Duty 4 Explanation: Strange video games to list, huh? Well, it just goes to show that dogs are a pain in the ass. In the classic Paper Boy, they run out at you and you have to dodge them. If you aren't paying attention they will really ruin your route. Meanwhile, in games like COD4, they are actually attacking you and your teammates. You're saying to yourself, "Who cares, it's just a dog, just put it down with a shotgun to the head!" Unfortunately, it is not that easy. Best Villain Moment: When one of these bastards attacks a teammate in Call of Duty 4, you are in quite the predicament. You have to shoot the thing, but it is wriggling all over the place, and you risk shooting your friend. They know what they're doing. They run super fast so you can't easily shoot them then, and then those bitches use your friend as cover so you won't blow their brains out with a shotgun. 5. Bowser Video Game: Almost every Mario game ever Explanation: Bowser is a classis villain. What makes him most evil is his relentlessness. After years and years of trying to kidnap Princess Peach, he just keeps on trying. Further, he is able to force Mario to undertake all sorts of lengthy adventures just to find the Princess. Some might think Bowser is really just kidnapping the Princess because he enjoys toying with Mario. Either way, Bowser's persistence and classicness make him a top villain. Best Villain Moment: In the original Super Mario Bros., Bowser confronted Mario at each castle the courageous plumber explored. However, he was really just screwing with Mario's head. Bowser took the time to booby-trap each castle and fill parts of it with lava, just to mislead Mario. Even after Mario succesfully defeated Bowser at that castle, his only reward was a mushroom-headed minion telling Mario that "our princess is in another castle." By the time Mario got to the last castle, he would've been totally demoralized. Genius on Bowser's part. 4. Me Video Game: Fable, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, etc.Explanation: In today's video game climate, "choices" are all the rage. Instead of a simple linear story, games try to give you some free reigh and decide if you want to be a good guy or a bad guy. I have definitely been quite the bad guy in some games. Best Villain Moment: In Oblivion, for some reason there was a character that the game wouldn't let me kill. Maybe a glitch? So, in what is definitely not my best moment, I broke into his house, killed his wife, and stole everything in the house and pawned it to buy a bigger sword. 3. Frank Fontaine - WARNING: SPOILERS Video Game: Bioshock
Explanation: Wow. This guy is evil. Essentially, he uses his genetically altered son as a brain-washed slave to destroy his political opponent in an underground city.
Best Villain Moment: He isn't technically in the scene, but when you realize that this bastard has tricked you into doing his bidding using a subconscious mind control trigger, it will piss you off. Big time.
2. Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System Video Game: Portal
Explanation: More commonly referred to as GLaDOS, this female-voiced computer system is your main opponent in Portals. And she is one sneaky bitch. SPOILERS: Initially in the game, it seems like GLaDOS is your friend, helping you test out a sweet new gun. Pretty quickly, you realize that she has very little regard for your safety, both physically and emotionally. Her evils range from forcing you to kill your Weighted Companion Cube, to trying to throw you into a fire pit. She is also a good opponent because she is extremely smart, constantly tempting the player with promises of cake at the end. Unfortunately, the cake is a lie. The emotional and physical trauma that GLaDOS puts the player through make her one of the top villains in video game history.
Best Villain Moment:
1.The Flood
Video Game: Halo series
Explanation: The Flood are a parasitic alien race. They simply travel around killing things. They come in several varieties, from the tiny little crawly ones, to towering monsters bigger than a man and capable of using human weapons. Not only their relentlessness, but their sheer numbers make them a formidable foe.
Best Villain Moment: The first time you fight the flood in the original Halo. I tried, without success, to find some gameplay footage. But at the time, you had only seen regular Covenant baddies, your typical aliens. Then all of a sudden the Flood pops out of nowhere, and they are quite accurately named. There are so many of them that it's really a matter of whether you run out of bullets before killing all of them. The first time you face them is definitely some intense shit.
10) Mr. Big/Lumberjack/Det. Harry Tipper (Timesplitters - PS2) My cousin and I played Timesplitters all the time, and for some reason, these were the three guys we always picked to play against. Skill-wise, no character is better or worse than another, but killing these guys just always seemed right.
9) Goomba's Shoe (Super Mario Bros. 3 - NES) Sadly, the only appearance of Goomba’s Shoe was in Level 5-3 of Sky Land in Super Mario Bros. 3. After you successfully killed the Goomba inside, you were then free to inhabit the shoe (which looks more like a boot to me) and walk harm-free over Spinies and Piranha Plants. Best part of the game.
8) Los Ganados/Los Illuminados (Resident Evil 4 - GC) Resident Evil enemies are always a blast to kill, but the townspeople and monks in RE4 are some of my all-time favorites because not only are they suitably scary, but they are also an effective means of learning delightful Spanish phrases and curse words.
7) Tonberry (Final Fantasy Series) There are various incarnations of Tonberry in the Final Fantasy series, but they all essentially have the same deal. They have massive amounts of HP, and they walk slowly toward you as you use your most powerful attacks in an attempt to kill them. If the Tonberry reaches you before you can take it down, it will fatally stab you once with its tiny chef’s knife. The best part about this is that the short stab is accompanied by a “Doink” sound effect. Hilarious. Side note: I actually own a plush Tonberry.
6) Eggplant Wizard (Kid Icarus - NES) You’re trying to navigate through the Labyrinth, when you unwittingly enter a roomful of Eggplant Wizards. Before you can turn around to hightail it out of there, BAM! You’re an eggplant. Now you have to try to find a room with a nurse. Giant pain in the ass, but pretty damn funny.
5) Big Boo/Petey Pirahna (Mario Kart: Double Dash - GC) Oooh…I hate these fuckers so much. First off, they’re always knocking my little Bowser Jr. all over the place with their heavy-ass cars. Second, I can’t even begin to count the number of times that fat flower head has blocked my screen while I’m trying to race. Still, it wouldn’t be Mario Kart without them - they give me someone to blame when I don’t come in first.
4) Ice Cream Truck/Boogeyman (Toe Jam and Earl - GEN) I can't think of a game with more ridiculous enemies than Toe Jam and Earl. However, there are two that stand out to me, mainly because they make an otherwise easy game quite difficult. The first is the Ice Cream Truck, which only shows up near the end of the game. You hear it’s loud honk, and POOF! It appears out of thin air to mow you down. Then it’ll disappear into a cloud of smoke, only to reappear two seconds later to finish you off. Brutal. Similarly, the Boogeyman is invisible until he is right on top of you. The worse thing about Boogeymen is that they sometimes travel in packs, and their combined efforts of “scaring” you usually result in death or falling onto the board below (which is sometimes just as bad). I couldn't find a pic of these guys, so here's a random screenshot of the game for you to enjoy.
3)Bowser Jr. (Mario games) Bowser Jr. is on the list because he is just so darn cute. He’s also my preferred racer in Mario Kart. His taunting laugh makes me smile, even when he’s trying to kill me.
2) Scissorman (Clock Tower - PS1) Scissorman might be the scariest villain I have ever encountered in a video game. You hear his music before you even see him coming – that’s when you know you’re screwed. The thing about Scissorman is that you can’t fight him, you can only hide. He hides as well, and despite knowing all his favorite spots, I still jump a mile out of my chair when he pops out of a closet. Even though you eventually find out that Scissorman is **SPOILER ALERT** the gayest nine year old boy you will ever see in your life, it doesn’t take away from the heart-stopping thrill of being chased by him in subsequent playings.
1) Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII - PS1) When I first heard about this list, I knew that Sephiroth was going to be my number one. He embodies everything that a villain should be. He has a bad ass weapon (the Masamune sword), awesome powers (see his “Super Nova” summon in the video below), and the best theme music ever (“One-Winged Angel”, heard in the video below). Did I mention that he is the main bad guy in one of the most beloved RPGs of all time? Combine all this, and you have an epic final battle that is second to none.
I feel like my list will differ greatly from most other's lists. I had only one action figure as a kid. I never had any toy trucks or cars or anything of that ilk. I don't even remember who would of played half of this stuff with me, and everyone must of thought I was a weirdo...so without further ado...
10. Trivial Pursuit Jr. I don't ever remember playing against anyone. I remember playing with my parents, but they couldn't have really been playing, or else it wouldn't have been any fun. I do remember playing three different versions of myself, redself, blueself, and greenself, and seeing which was better.
9. Beetlejuice Action Figure I had the exact same action figure above. You would pull the head off of the figure and a slithery snake like Beetlejuice head would pop up. I never saw the movie growing up, but had plenty of nightmares about this action figure. Not the action figure, but the life form of the action figure. Maybe since this scared the bejesus out of me and was my first action figure, I decided I didn't want any other ones?
8. Clue Jr. Books These books had three page stories, and then you had to solve the riddle to them at the end. I was addicted. They kept me up through all hours of the night. I would awaken in the morning with bloodshot eyes from reading these stories. It was like eight year old crack, I will keep my kids away from these.
7. Chip 'N Dales Computer Game The game was like a shitty version of Mario and ran on MS-DOS. But I remember playing it and never getting past the third level as a kid. It led to me playing another computer game, which will come up later.
6. Pogs This had to be the stupidest fad ever. Who thought they could cash in on creating little sheets of cardboard that you would through metal coinlettes at? And more importantly how did it work? I remmeber the collecting of these being better than the playing. Oh, and the mascot, how was that a viable mascot?
5. Creepy Crawlers This was a special toy. You didn't play with it all the time, only on those special occasions. I'm not even sure I remember what the appeal was, because it really wasn't fun to pour the goo into the little cookie cutters. And the crawlers themselves always tore apart before long. Maybe it was the fact that it was only be allowed to play with on a limited basis.
4. Koosh Balls Koosh balls were awesome. They were safe, couldn't hurt anyone, couldn't break a window or any furniture, and could be played with in the pool. Why aren't more child's toys thought out like this.
3. Solitaire My dad would always play solitaire on the computer, which made me want to do the same thing. This was when I was six years old. Yes, I played solitaire as a six year old, and this is one of the few skills that has carried over and proven advantageous to this day and age. You would think with how far computers have come, they could think of some other game other than solitaire to put on them.
2. U.S. Puzzle I had this exact puzzle pictured here. Oh, how it brings back memories. There were rumors that I could complete it by three years of age. And 50 of my first 100 or so words were states. Did I mention I was a weird kid?
1. Marble Tower I never had this toy. But my cousins did, and I could not wait to go their house to play with this as a child. You would build a track from various plastic pieces and then allow marbles to drop down and circle through the tower. This toy was amazing!
10. He-Man/She-Ra Since I had an older brother, I was an equal opportunity player when it came to He-Man and She-Ra. I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I will never forget the smells of Moss Man and Stinkor. Whose brilliant marketing idea was that?!
9. Lazer Tag Looking back on it, Lazer Tag was really fucking lame, but at the time, my brother and I thought it was the coolest thing ever, despite the fact that the only place we could play it was in a 10 x 20 foot basement filled with so much crap that we couldn’t even run. I really enjoyed wearing the vest - it made me feel bad ass.
8. Stuffed Dogs Every year, for every major holiday, I would ask my parents for a dog...and every year, for every major holiday, they got me a stuffed one. Like that was supposed to appease me or something. I acquired quite a few dogs throughout my childhood, but my favorite was Rolly from 101 Dalmations. In the end, I got my parents back – I brought home a dog when I was in college, and they’ve been taking care of it ever since.
7. Flipsiders I loved these things – they were little board games that came out of a cassette when you flicked your wrist. The player pieces were magnets, and the spinner was the “reel” part of the cassette. My favorites were Rock Tour, Mall Madness, and Scavengers Gold. No one remembers these things, and people always look at me like I’m retarded whenever I start talking about them.
6. Care Bears When I was 6 years old, I entered a Care Bears coloring contest at Rite Aid, for which I painstakingly made sure that every Care Bear was the exact color down to the smallest detail...and I ended up losing to someone who was too stupid to realize that Funshine Bear is yellow and Good Luck Bear is green. I remember my mom being super pissed and complaining to the manager. I’m sure that if I was old enough to know better, I would have been embarrassed. Good toys though – I had a stuffed Lion Heart Bear that I used to take with me everywhere.
5. Polly Pocket I felt that Dan stole this idea from me when I saw that he put Mighty Max in his top ten. It’s practically an insult because Mighty Max always was and always will be Polly Pocket’s bitch. While doing research for this list, I almost bid on numerous Polly Pocket sets on eBay, but thankfully, logic set in, and I realized that I’m an adult and need to pay bills.
4. Cabbage Patch Kids At the peak of their popularity, Cabbage Patch Kids were the "must have" toy of Christmas. My mom spent a ridiculous amount of time and effort trying to track one down and was so proud to have miraculously scored one. Unfortunately for her, it was a bald boy, and I was an ungrateful bitch. I cried and refused to play with it for months. Over time, I acquired more Cabbage Patch Dolls, but the only one still in my closet is that hated one, and his shiny bald head smells just as strongly of baby powder as it did on the day I got him. Poor neglected Barker Lyndon (yes, that was his real name)…I’m sorry I was such a terrible “mom” to you.
3. Jem I was a huge fan of Jem and the Holograms. I watched the cartoon and listened to the cassette soundtrack religiously. I also had several of the dolls, as well as the stage set for them to perform on. Jem outshone Barbie in every way, from her flashing red earrings to her way hotter boyfriend (Gay Ken vs. Rio? No contest!). Little known fact: Jem was all about racial harmony, having band mates that were African-American, Hispanic, and Asian.
2. My Little Pony I loved My Little Ponies, but the cartoon series/toy line lacked any real bad guys. I know Dan has heard this story a million times, but I used to create my own evil ponies by drawing thick eyebrows, handlebar moustaches, and lightning bolts on them with black permanent marker. I would then have the new baddies wreak havoc on the My Little Pony nursery. Good times.
1. Nintendo Game Boy The original Game Boy was the first video game system that was totally mine. I never left home without it. It’s the only toy that I have played with consistently over the course of 18 years. It blows away numbers 2-10 by a mile.
I had a great time putting this list together. Tons of great memories. If you're as nerdy as I was, I suspect it will be a walk down memory lane for you as well.
10. TIE: Monopoly/Risk Despite how unbearable these games are today, I played the shit out of them as a kid. I recall one summer where me and a few friends played a game of Monopoly almost every day for several weeks. I'm not sure if it's the Jew in me or what, but I was always able to make great deals and win triumphantly. Unless I was playing against my brother, who cheats.
9. TIE: Plastic Light Sabers/Wooden Swords My brother and I, even more than board games, loved sword fighting the hell out of each other when we were younger. Everyone knows what a plastic light saber is, and they were OK fun. The problem was, they were such cheap plastic that you couldn't really get into battles that were too intense. Then my aunt and uncle totally saved my childhood. They went to a Renaissance Fair and brought both of us back a wooden sword and shield. Holy. Shit. These wooden swords were about three or four feet long, which for a kid is quite big. And they were quite sturdy. We spent many a day battling for domination of our back toy room, often with me being the victor. Of course, that is mostly because I am four years my brother's elder.
8. Superman with Krpytonite Ring This toy harkens back to my REALLY young years. At that point I found this thing super cool, because it came with a kryptonite ring. The ring had a magnet in it that somehow magically made the toy fall down when you brought it near Superman. The way I figured it, as a little kid, this was the most realistic thing ever, besides the Banshee toy below.
7. Banshee with Whistle Who was Banshee? He was a member of the X-Men that could yell really loud. Based on what I remember, he may or may not have had some sort of gliding ability. Who gives a crap. When I used to play with this toy, I could use the whistle in his chest to simulate the super-sonic sounds capable of destroying buildings and wreaking havoc on bad guys. However, there were many battles where Banshee became a bad guy. That damn whistle was so powerful, it took a whole team of meta-humans to put him in line.
6. Ewok Village Obviously, all my awesome action figures needed somewhere cool to hang out. As you will see after the break, they had more than one option. The Ewok Village was a pretty sweet hideout. It had secret entrances in tree trunks, a basket for lazy pieces of crap like Professor Xavier who couldn't be bothered with the stairs, and a boulder to drop on unsuspecting intruders. Essentially, everything one would want in a hide-out.
5. Voltron Black Lion One of the most frustrating and enjoyable parts of my childhood was a result of the Black Lion. Why was this toy awesome? Five little words: And I'll form the head.
Unfortunately, I never acquired any of the other lions. I thought of just asking specific friends to get specific lions, thus allowing me to make Voltron, but I had seen that method fail in the past.
To this day, when I see the full Voltron set somewhere, it takes all my willpower to not buy it.
4. Ghostbusters Firehouse While the Ewok village is a pretty sweet hideout, the Ghostbusters had a much better thing going. Multiple floors and great advertising outside. Plus, a WORKING FIREPOLE. That's right. It is not pictured here, but there was a firepole in this thing, with a little stand. You could use the holes in the bottom of the toys' feet to stick them to the platform, and down they went, on their way to fight bad guys.
3. Millenium Falcon I frequently ran into a big problem when I was younger. A good number of my toys were on Endor at the Ewok Village, while others were in New York at the Ghostbusters Firehouse. There was only one way to go back and forth quickly. I needed a ship capable of going really fast. So I found this bad boy, capable of making the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. Good enough for me.
2. Ghostbusters Equipment I LOVED the Ghostbusters. So much so, that I of course wanted to be one. So, I acquired a proton pack, a ghost trap and even a little sensor thing to detect the ghosts. Until I saw this site, I thought I had everything a potential Ghostbuster could want. Oh how wrong I was.
1. Jedi Luke Skywalker Clearly, "Return of the Jedi" is the best Star Wars movie. Based on that, it should be little surprise that the action figure of Luke from that movie would be my favorite. Let's also not forget that this toy was highly poseable, meaning namely that his knees bent, which was not often the case back then. Plus, since he was already a Jedi at this point, he could do all sorts of badass stuff. I won't lie though, when I was running the show Luke dabbled with the dark side a little bit, mostly in the form of lightning and choking the shit out of bad guys. It happens. Read more!
I pretty much only played with action figures as a kid, so my list will be heavily populated with them. I will number them by series, and pick my favorite toy within the series.
10. Wrestling Superstars Yes, as children my sister and I enjoyed watching professional wrestling. These toys were basically hunks of rubber shaped like wrestling superstars. I don’t know why, but I liked Jake “The Snake” Roberts and Rowdy Roddy Piper the most.
Here's a commercial:
9. Fisher Price Little People I think most of the Little People toys that I played with were actually my sisters. The people were basically plastic cylinders with round heads, the play sets were really where Fisher Price put in the effort. The big ones in my house were the school and the zoo. The school had a playground that, I believe, was spring-loaded and shot out from beneath the building. The zoo had all sorts of animals, car paths, and a tunnel that went underneath the hippo pool!
8. Mighty Max These were basically the boy version of Polly Pocket. Mighty Max always found himself in tiny adventures, most of which seemed like rip-offs of popular movies. I fondly recall a snake that opened up into an Indiana Jones type place, one that resembled the movie Alien, and a skull that turned into Frankenstein’s lab. I don’t know why I liked these so much, but I’m looking at pictures now and I kind of want one. I am choosing “The Palace of Poison” as my favorite because I think it had a trapdoor in it. Trapdoors and secret doors were an aspect of play sets that I really appreciated as a child.
Is that what I looked like when I was playing with these? Oh dear.
7. Happy Meal Toys Most people consider Happy Meal toys junk, but I remember continually playing with a handful of these. One that I really enjoyed was the Tale Spin die-cast planes collection. I think I may have only had Baloo’s plane, but it was still pretty cool. Another great line was when Looney Tunes characters dressed up as superheroes. This combined two of my favorite things: Looney Tunes and DC Comics characters. Of course, Daffy Duck as Batman was my favorite. My absolute favorite Happy Meal toy was the animated Back to the Future Delorean. The Delorean was awesome because it shot sparks out of its back.
Back to the Future Commercial:
6. Robocop I had not seen Robocop as a child, but I still knew the toys were badass. These were the only action figures I knew of where you could stick caps in their back and they would actually make shooting sounds and gunsmoke! ED-209, a giant robot with gun arms, was pretty cool, although he eventually snapped in half. The best part of the line was the vehicle selection. A copter, a police car, and my absolute favorite: a mobile prison called the Robo-Jailer. A kid in my preschool class brought this in for show-and-tell and I immediately wanted one. It was basically a big hollow van with two independent cells where criminals could be locked up. These toys were also very versatile, the Robocop characters and vehicles fit in perfectly with my Batman or X-Men ones. This became even more important after I lost Robocop’s helmet, and he essentially became useless. Who wants to play with this?:
Here's a commercial:
5. Police Academy I loved this cartoon/movie because I wanted to be a police officer; I especially wanted to be a police officer who could mimic sound effects. Similar to Robocop, these toys could fit in well with other lines. It offered some cool vehicles and kid-size accessories, but the high point was the Police Station. This thing offered a trap door(!) under the police lineup that led directly into the jail cell, a spring-loaded jail door that could swing back and trap cops in their locker room, and a giant gun on the roof. This is the perfect companion to the Ghostbusters Fire House.
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TMNT toys had a lot of crazy characters that were creative and fun to play with. My favorite toys were when they would take the ninja turtles and set them to different themes. The sports theme included a Leonardo that could actually throw a football, a music theme had rapping and heavy metal Turtles, a war theme had civil war and WWII Turtles and bad guys. One of my top three was Invisible Man Michaelangelo, who was based on the H.G. Wells character. I also liked the Footcruiser, although this is mostly because it kind of looked like a Batmobile. My absolute favorite was Super Shredder from the second movie. This guy looked like he could kick anyone’s ass:
Bebop as a purple-uniformed Nazi
Michaelangelo as Flava Flav.
3. Star Wars I love Star Wars, so naturally I loved the toys. Of these toys my favorites were Bespin Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader with Removable Helmet. The Luke toy was cool because it actually looked like Mark Hamill, which was apparently difficult because most Luke toys looked like monsters: Bespin Luke’s hand could also be removed, just like in the movie. The Darth Vader was cool because his helmet was removable. I don’t know if I had much reason to play with a helmet-less Vader, but I’m sure I fashioned one story or another around it.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 2. Ghostbusters Ghostbusters featured a lot of interesting characters and vehicles. I remember such toys as a toilet turned into a monster that looked like it could eat people, an old woman who turned into a monster that looked like it could eat people, and a mailman who turned into a monster that looked like it could eat people. The one figure I always wanted from this line was a ghostbusting Slimer that came with a proton pack. However, pictures on the internet show that its lameness probably would have disappointed me. Of all of the toys, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was my favorite. I guess he was kind of a useless character, but I always managed to find stories for him.
1. Batman Surprise, I enjoyed playing with Batman toys. My favorites of these were also my favorite Batman villains. First up was “Lethal Impact Bane.” This guy was huge compared to my other toys, and he looked like he could break Batman’s back like he did in the comic. Two-Face was another favorite of mine, and the toy from the animated series was one of the only figures I had of him. I also enjoyed the Joker, particularly the one that came with some sort of smiley-face weapon that could bite. It is unclear what this weapon’s actual purpose was.
After writing this list, I would like to apologize to my parents for asking them for all of this crap.
