Dan's Guilt Trip

10) The Black Hole – This is one of the many knock-off films that were released following the original Star Wars. Unlike some of the other trash that came out, this Disney produced sci-fi film is mildly intelligent and just plain silly fun. The robots are not as inspired as those in Star Wars, but they offer their own charm. I think you should all check out this clip of the main robot Vincent in action.

9) Troy – People complained that Wolfgang Petersen ruined the Iliad by removing the supernatural presence of the gods. The gods may have made the film more unique, but as it stands, Troy is a solid action-epic. Brad Pitt is suitably ripped as the almost immortal Achilles, Brian Cox plays Agamemnon to crazed perfection, Sean Bean gives an intelligent performance as Odysseus, and Eric Bana stands out as the noble Hector. Greats like Brendan Gleeson and Peter O’Toole round out the cast. The action is good, the acting is solid, I can’t believe this only has a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes. (I have not seen the Director’s Cut, but I hear it is pretty awesome.)

8) Smokey and the Bandit – This hillbilly classic is one my favorite comedies. Burt Reynold’s is pitch-perfect as the Bandit, a scoundrel trying to help sneak beer into Texarkana. Jackie Gleason plays a Sheriff trying to hunt down the Bandit. The movie is full of great chases, humorous antics, and palpable chemistry between Reynolds and Sally Field.

7) The Aristocats – This is by no means a despised movie, I’m just a bit embarrassed to admit I love this tale of cuddly cats trying to make it home. The highlight of the film is the voice casting: Phil Harris continues his tradition of voicing ne’er-do-wells with hearts of gold, Eva Gabor as a pampered cat who is willing to jam with the commoners, and what sounds like three children giving the kittens adorable voices. The songs and animation are just as good as those in other Disney films of the era.

6) Cruel Intentions – One of the sleaziest films I have ever seen. None of the characters are likable, the writing is obnoxious, and the plot is ridiculous, but I love this movie. I can’t even explain why I enjoy watching this movie, since I can’t pick out a single attribute that is worthwhile. I suppose the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Golden Trailer award winner for trashiest trailer!

5) Super Mario Bros. - I don’t know what the screenwriter was on when he was playing the game, but he managed to turn a cute, harmless adventure into a fucked up, misunderstood classic. The mushroom-esque goombas are turned into trench coated dinosaurs with shrunken heads, the scenic mushroom kingdom is twisted into an urban nightmare, and Bowser is Dennis Hopper in a suit.

4) Varsity Blues – This is as trashy as Cruel Intentions, but with a lot more heart. James Van Der Beek is hilariously terrible as the backup quarterback Jonathon “Mox” Moxon who finds himself taking center stage following the previous QB’s injury. This also has a ton of great scenes: whipped cream bikini, sex on the washing machine, the teacher stripping in her off hours…I kind of want to watch this movie right now.

3) National Treasure – This movie holds the distinction of being watched twice in one weekend while it was airing on cable. I talked about this last week with my Nicolas Cage choices, so I’ll let you be the judge with this clip:

2) Robot Monster – I viewed this film ironically the first few times I saw it, but as the years progressed I began to appreciate it more and more. The pitiful Ro-Man is one of film’s most tragic figures. As he spends more time on Earth, Ro-Man begins to relate more with the Humans and questions his society’s actions. He breaks away from the conformity of the planet Ro-Man by kidnapping and attempting to rape a young woman. Classic tragedy.

1) Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III – Yes, the dreaded Prequel trilogy tops my list. These films are not as good as the original three, but I don’t think they are the travesties many critics and internet geeks claim them to be.

The Phantom Menace: My patience does wear thin with the performances of Jake Lloyd and Jar Jar Binks, but this is countered with great work by Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor. The much maligned trading dispute is a brilliant setup to the subsequent episodes’ war between the corporations and democracy, and Palpatine’s rise to power.

Attack of the Clones: Although I enjoy this movie, it has made me do something that I rarely do when watching a dvd (Matrix sequels excluded): skip scenes. Yes, I skip a few of the courtship scenes between Anakin and Padmé. However, the rest of the film is great fun. Obi-Wan’s search for a bounty hunter, which results in the start of the Clone Wars, is one of the best storylines in the Star Wars films. This also has some of the best action of any Star Wars movie: a thrilling chase through the streets of Coruscant, a hand-to-hand fight between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett, the arena battle on Geonosis, and Yoda’s first lightsaber duel.

Revenge of the Sith: This film ups the ante from Clones by providing better lightsaber duels, larger battles, and better drama. Ewan McGregor’s performance as Obi-Wan gives a face to the pain Anakin’s fall brings to the galaxy. The best part of the movie is the disintegration of the Republic into a dictatorship under Emperor Palpatine. Palpatine is played brilliantly by Ian McDiarmid, who lets loose in all of his scenes.